NO party for YOU

Dear Jeffrey's Teacher:

I seem to have not received or misplaced the last "Fifth Grade Flash" which must have contained the information about the Valentine's Party. Jeffrey is allergic and I would like to bring in some soy-based ice cream so that he can participate. Except that I am unsure of the time for this, is it 2:00?

And now he is telling me that the student teacher has threatened to cancel the party altogether. When did party cancellation become a method of discipline? I was appalled by the handling of the Christmas party, and now Valentines looks to include tears also. Since they are in 5th grade these are the last of the class parties these children will ever have, I think they should be good memories not bad ones.

If Jeffrey's behavior has been a problem I would like to know about it immediately, and not when I show up in the classroom for a celebration. Please contact me if there is an issue with him.

Sincerely,

Jeffrey's Mother

I waited until 1:45 for a reply, and then headed over to the school with the "Soy Dream." I ran into Patty and Kendrea on my way in.

"We were just talking about you!" (I seem to get greeted that way far too often.) Patty explained that one of the moms at the bus stop that morning had been describing her daughter's distress over the rumored cancellation of the classroom Valentines party, and they figured out that she was in the same class as Jeff. It happens that we had book club the same day as the fateful Christmas Party of Misery, and they got to experience my therapeutic rant on the subject, so were in the know...

Here's that story: I had gone to the school to deliver the chopped tomatoes that were my assigned contribution to the "International Holiday Feast" which is the school's attempt at a PC Christmas and is an anticipated tradition for the 5th grade. The classroom mommy minions were already there setting up in the hallway. When I presented my bag of tomatoes I was greeted with "Oh, you did bring those! We'll just put them here next to the bowl I brought in case we run out." Humph. I decided to go into the classroom and found that the teacher was not there, but a student teacher was. She was in the middle of a tirade. She berated the students repeatedly about their unacceptable behavior, and told them that they didn't deserve to be a part of the feast. They would have to wait until all of the other classes and helpers had gone through the line, and there probably wouldn't be anything left. I watched in horror as the children began to react. The girls started to cry. The boys started to glare accusingly at each other. I know several of these children very well, from DI or the neighborhood, and I adore them all. Reilley put her head down. Jeff sat there looking glum. I couldn't stand it. I told the kids that there would be plenty of food for them all and went home. I would rather get back to work on my computer than be a witness to that sorry scene.

So now the Valentines party was rumored to be cancelled. I went into the room, and again the regular teacher was nowhere to be seen, but that horrid Student Teacher was sneerily reading off spelling words as the children checked each others papers. She did not acknowledge me as I walked in, said hi to Jeff, and took a seat in the back of the room.

Eventually the classroom mommy minions came in, all abuzz about the tentative status of the party. Then the teacher showed up, hauling grocery bags with tubs of ice cream. She said that she decided to go out and buy some more. "Oh, you could have called on US to do that!" they gushed at her. She looked at me, and I pointed to the Soy Dream.

"I brought some special ice-cream for Jeffrey. Did you get my email?" I asked.

She batted her rather distracting eyelashes at me and said that Jeffrey would not be participating in the party. She explained that there had been some misbehavior incidents while she was out of the room and the Student Teacher was in charge. Rather than cancel the entire party (she shot a quick glance at the minions) she had decided to exclude the ones who had been "bad" as reported by the Student Teacher.

"Jeffrey was on the list." She apologized.

"Just what did he do that warrants this level of punishment, and why wasn't I informed?" I wanted to know.

She explained that there had been some kids up in the front of the room throwing erasers around, and Jeff was out of his seat at that time too. At that, I lifted one of my eyebrows, and she quickly went on to say that she had sent a note home about his behavior just last week. (It was his first and only one ever, and said he was spraying water around the room.) She was talking faster now. "So, as he's a repeat offender, I couldn't have him ruining the party for the kids that aren't bad." The minions nodded their heads in agreement.

I got up and looked for Jeffrey. He had already been ushered out of the room and was in the library with the dozen other boys who were supposed to be writing an essay about their bad behavior. I told Jeffrey that I was "Springing him outta this joint" and we were going home.

Back home, after serving Jeff some of that soy ice cream, we sat down at the kitchen table. I did some more work on my computer, and he got out some paper to write his essay. I tried to help him by suggesting themes such as "Punishment Injustice" and "Shared Responsibility" but he insisted that he already knew exactly what he had to write, or else the teacher would just make him write it again. And then he proceeded to lay out the saddest set of words about how "bad" he and his behavior are, and how he should have known better. Happy Valentine's Day.

This whole incident really bothers me, and it goes beyond my concerns about the teacher leaving the room, the career choices of the child-hating student teacher, the repeat of the clearly ineffective discipline technique of party-cancelling, and the smugness of the mommy minions. It has to do with labeling any children as "good" and "bad."

This isn't just me believing that my sweet Jeffrey is a perfect angel. Of course I adore him, and he is generally a compliant and well-behaved child. But he's got a silly side to him, and enjoys interacting with other kids, and likes to move around a lot. Those traits don't make him "bad" and they are typical of 10 year old boys.

I still remember when Timmy was about this age, and his teachers expressing to me what a perfect student he is. Timmy is shy and quiet, almost to the point of having the ability to make himself disappear. "If only I could have a whole classroom of Timmies, that would be ideal!" She said. But Timmy wasn't perfect. He was convenient. And that shouldn't make him any more or less deserving of a teacher's attention, (or class parties) than a kid more like his brother. Sometimes I worry about Tim more than Jeff, because I know what it takes to get along in the world and sitting quietly by doesn't always get you anywhere.

I happen to think that it is the teacher's responsibility to manage the behavior in their classrooms, and there's just something wrong about singling out some of them and labeling them as BAD and making sure everyone knows it. Because eventually they might start to believe that about themselves. And to identify with the category of behavior they are placed in. This could even be why some kids just end up "lost" and then begin their slide down the slippery slope into a troubled world of gangs, drugs, crime.....smoking cigarettes. I hope it's not too late for my little Jeff.

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